We looked like a picture-perfect family. My husband had a respectable job. I was a stay-at-home
mom of twins. We lived in a cute house, drove two old, but paid-for, cars, and were proud pet
owners of a somewhat obedient black lab. We took family vacations. We were leaders in our
church.
And we were living a lie.
Not a blatant lie. More of a facade. Everything looked hunky-dory from the outside. Yet, unsaid
and unknown issues lingered in the middle of carpool, bills, and cutting the grass. One day that
facade came crashing down.
The lazy days of summer had ended, and we were back in the routine of school—getting up to
alarm clocks, packing lunches, and tackling homework. My children were in their first week of
fourth grade when I noticed one child wrestling with schoolwork. That struggle sent me
searching for answers. I could have never known as I searched on that September Saturday that I
would come head-to-head with a different struggle entirely.
I searched our computer looking for anything to help manage the necessary evil called school. I
expected to find tips, ideas, and tried-and-true advice on how to help a floundering fourth grader.
I expected to find what I needed and move to the next thing on my list. I didn’t expect what
popped up on my screen.
Pictures. Lots of pictures. Pictures of people I didn’t know. Questions raced in my mind. Who
are these people? Why are they on my computer? More importantly, where are their clothes?
My stomach sank. My heart thumped like someone hit it with a hammer. My world stopped but
my brain darted from questions to panicked thoughts to disbelief.
As each batch of pictures popped up on the screen, I felt the room closing in on me. I felt my
whole world crumbling down around me. And I felt the picture-perfect facade cracking right
before my eyes. I knew my husband had struggled with pornography in the past. We had walked
that road several times before. But now? After countless therapy sessions, a strong support
system, and promises to stop.
Tears stung my face. I felt alone, shocked, and unsure what to do next.
Sound familiar? Maybe your circumstances are a smidge different, but the result is the same.
You’re crushed. Trust has been yanked out from underneath you. And you’re left balancing a
fragile marriage while spiraling between shock, anger, and sadness.
If this is part of your story, you’re not alone. Women just like us exist in our neighborhoods, in
our churches, and even in our families—women who are walking this common but often silent
journey.
The reality is, we don’t have to look far to find pornography. Cell phones have become portable
porn machines, with access just a few taps away. In fact, one out of five mobile searches is for
pornography. Seventy-five percent of Christian men view pornography. Yes, Christian men. And
if these men have a significant other in their lives, three-fourths of women are affected by it.
But they’re not talking about it.
I understand that silence because it was once my silence too.
I wish my story had a different ending. I wish I could tell you every prayer was answered the
way I hoped and every broken piece was put back together. But our marriage didn’t survive. And
while that part of my story is still hard some days, my life is proof that God is still good and
faithful through circumstances we never imagined we’d face.
Here’s hope as you walk through this dark season:
You don’t have to squeak by or just survive. Right now, it may seem that way. But you can get to
the other side of your pain and heartache and flourish. Pornography doesn’t have to win, because
we serve a God of hope!
When the Israelites finally left Egypt after years of captivity, they didn’t leave empty handed.
The Bible says they plundered the Egyptians (their captors). They left with treasures—silver,
gold, clothes. Exodus 12:36 says that the Israelites took with them the best things of Egypt.
We can take the best things from our time of suffering and pain. It may not be gold or silver or
material things. Maybe it’s a new perspective, new friendship, new skill, or a fresh start. If we
know Jesus, we can get through this pain and heartache and be whole and happy on the other
side of it, even if it doesn’t turn out the way we hoped.
Jody Allen has served on staff at her church for over 12 years, where she leads the First Impressions Team and Women’s Ministry. She is the author of Hidden Heartache: Finding Courage When Your Husband Struggles with Pornography, a book that helps women move from heartbreak to hope. Jody is passionate about helping women experience meaningful connection with Christ and with one another. She is the mom of young adult twins, loves chunky ice cream, still uses a paper calendar, and never turns down a chance to line dance. You can find Jody online at jodyallenwrites.com.